3rd of April, 2013

I can feel my heart get aching every time i breath. There's a lot of voices in my head, shouting about how stupid i am. I can't even contain my tears anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. Lately, i'm not myself. I grow tired every day and everything now seems so dark. My eyes hurt so bad, but for now, i think physical pain is better to feel than what i feel inside. It's somehow hurting me, scratching my skin, pulling my hair, but all of those things are invisible. I can't really see that but i know it's there, hurting me. I punched myself, i bit my skin and those things didn't even hurt me. Not even a bit. I feel more pain inside. I tried to smile and think about good things in mind, but fuck the world i can't even feel that. That's somehow i prefer to sleep at home. Cut off the connections. If only i know what's wrong with me. I really don't know what to do, everything i do is all wrong. Sometimes, i think that i'm better to be disappeared. And people forget me sounds so much better. I really want to feel good. I really want to be happy like everyone feels. I'm tired of crying. I think about accidents, and lot of things. I think about those stressful things and somewhat i hope it's real. Or if can... I want to have another life. People doesn't have to fake their smile in front of me anymore, they can live their life just what they want, and i can live my life the way i want. I had a lot of nightmares lately, and those are really frustrating. Am i depressed? But why? Why am i depressed? If only i know the answer. I know that there are a lot of people more suffered than I, but i also know that not everyone could run the way i do. I'm on the edge of accepting my life the way it is, or just cut it off. I also think that i'll go to hell in the end. Why am i so useless. I know i'm not more than an emotional bitch, and i'm not going to ask people to not judge me for that but screw everything, i don't feel good right now. I don't even know why am i in this place today, and act so sad about everything. But for real i don't act. I just don't know what to do. I can't hide my feeling. I tried to find some help but there won't be any. Because i'm always by myself. No one truly need me, it's all just lie. I'm useless in every bit of my life. People will come to me when they need help only. And that's it. That's my life. And i'm fucking hate it. Close your damn eyes cause i know there won't be a hand and i'm just a freak. I just want to punch myself right on my face. This some kind of goodness should just disappeared in my life. I'm not that good, and i won't be good forever.

Read More

Chocolate?

Chocolate is sweet. Everyone likes it. It's a friend when you have no one to talk to. A friend to cheer you up. A friend to cry with. You like it so much. You don't even think about the effect after eating it. Maybe you will get fat? Or toothache? But you don't care. And maybe, just some of you who remember where it comes from. What's chocolate.. What's inside it? Have you ever heard cocoa? Or, dark chocolate? I bet you all know about it. Chocolate is actually a modification (to me) from a very bitter fruit to be a very sweet and delicious thing in the world, made by people. And why do i suddenly talk about chocolate? No... I'm not craving about chocolate, i just ate it. The best chocolate in the world, maybe? Don't remember the name and too lazy to see it. Taste so good.. Like.. They added Milo in it but not that strong. Okay.

I just think, chocolate is really like someone i know. Very sweet. I can depend my life on him. But.... I don;t remember, where he came from. Where i met him. When i fell in love with him. And what is INSIDE him. Oh, so bitter you know. From the stories i've written below describe how desperate i am, but not without a reason. I just realized that this person is the same as chocolate. Very sweet, inside out. But i didn't realize the way i met him was totally wrong. I didn't realize who he truly is. If there was an award for sugar-coated man in the world, he will win. I got 24 hours a day and every second all i imagine, hope, and think is "he as chocolate" i only see the sweet things. That's why, it's hard for me to move on. But then i think about what he did to me, and found out who he is, behind the screen..... XD well, i guess he's only a dark chocolate? Even though he got that "chocolate" label on him, but still he's "dark". Deep inside him, he has nothing but confusion.

I don't know if i'm totally moving on. But i just don't seem to care about everything. I wanted to start a new life. Yeah, mainstream but... That's all i want to do. If he can be a chocolate, why can't i be the flame? Or sugar? Not everyone will love chocolate if it isn't sweet. And i can easily melt him (as a flame) and leave him there helpless. *laughs* It's almost 2 a.m so... that's what is in my brain.

Read More

The Last Day of '12

Hi lucky people who read this post! Right right! You're lucky cause you have been through this whole year and spend your time browsing in internet! n_n What did you got in 2012? A lot of things? None? Okay. Let me share my achievements and all failures in 2012 (as i remember). I set some goals to be achieved in 2012, but i only remember few things that I've got, and lot of things remain hanging on my wonder world. I worked really hard to change to be a better person than before. It needs a lot of fights and tears lol being dramatic again. You know? One of my biggest goal that I achieved in 2012 was meeting my idols. I couldn't believe it! From hundreds, well thousands fans, my name was in the list of people who could hi-5 them. It was a lucky draw, so you can imagine how lucky i was. There was no distance between us, it was an impossible thing for me, but i tried so hard, planned what i wanted to do, and also prayed hard to God. It had always been my dream, to meet them. Everyone, even my closest person said that i should stop dreaming about it. It won't be happened in my life. I was thinking, "I guess they are right, I should stop, I don't have to go to the concert, i don't have to save my money for concert and things." But, how if i stop? How if I stop believing, trying, and dreaming? I would never been able to achieved my goal. I would never been able to touched my idols, to talked with them and let them listened, to told them how much i love them. It was hard because Korean idols are rarely come to Indonesia, and if they come, the possibilities to meet/talk/touch them is 1:10000000. See? I need to be that crazy to achieve what i want. And i have to believe in it, i need to created a deep and big faith in my heart that i can do that, i can make it real! And with a help from God, everything was so easy for me. My dream came true, and even in the concert, one of them threw a souvenir and i could catch it, it was possible among the impossibilities if you know what i mean. That was the biggest thing in 2012 for me, a week after my birthday, can you imagine how blessed i was? And you guys, never give up! Someone like me, who totally not a religious person, or implicitly kind, still can get what i want. But you have to work hard on it. And pray! Because no matter how hard you work but you don't pray, you won't have it or vice versa. And what about my failures? lol. The biggest failure in 2012 for me was...... having no lover hahaha. Yeah, i set my goal to find someone who could love me, and i love the person back. Well i met someone but.. It's all ended and i seemed to be trapped here in the past so.... okay. Hahaha. But well, as i learnt from my achievement, i should've just worked on it harder, pray harder for.....a lover XD cause, i don't really care about it actually, i believe that, out there, God has prepared someone for me. And i'm still trying to move on. Well, I'm just hoping that in 2013 my biggest failure will be my biggest achievement, and i can achieve more goals and be a better person. Keep dreaming and run for it! I believe that is no such thing as impossible! <3 p="p">

Read More

The Confuse Raindrop

I can hear raindrops falling outside my house. They are more confuse than me so they decided to find something else and crashed their selves to the ground. Then they found another confuse raindrops, gathered, making a group of water and play around. They search for a better place, a place that they can find another confuse raindrops. They don't fight for places but they just gather. They understand that they will say goodbye so soon as the sun comes. Separate them again, and again. They don't know where to go, and where they will gather again. These confuse raindrops may not meet their old friends. They are gone. They filled up another place, shared their experience on their own journeys. Some of those confuse raindrops turned into a very cold cube. Very very cold you can't even feel the warmth of your skin. They are tired, very tired to adapt to another place, to find another confuse raindrops. They gave up their freedom and frozen. That confuse raindrops which turn into cold cube can stand alone for years, but.... Sun will always be there to change their mind. Slowly melt the cold down, persuade the confuse raindrop to be exactly who it is. Accompany the confuse raindrop until its fully change into what it used to be. Then the journey started again. But, the confuse raindrop was shocked with what it see.... Some of its friends turn to be a very dark water, stinky, and some of its friends flow beautifully in the river. The confuse raindrop feel so lucky that it can choose what it wanted to be. The confuse raindrop then talked to God. Said that it don't want to be confuse anymore, said that it want to be shown a way to a safe place. But then God sent it to cloud. The confuse raindrop wondering why. It grumbled all the times and then the rain is falling again. The confuse raindrop fell to a very quiet forest. Another confuse raindrops welcomed him warmly. It was a lake in the middle of the forest. "This is not my destination" It said. But then it looked around, looked at its friends and all of them are happy. Then it thanked God. If it stick to its plan and never talk to God then it will never be here. The confuse raindrop is no longer confuse. It so happy. Beat the negativity out of its thoughts.

Read More

Welcoming Dawn

The rooster crows already, I realized that I haven't sleep since last night. I was busy doing my assignment and I'm actually not feeling good lately. I'm not going to talk about Breaking Dawn even though it was a very good movie. But I have some thoughts that popped up and my head disturbed by it. This year I have faced a lot of things, made me think what is my purpose in life? Wherever I go, I see my pain. Whatever I do, it reminds me of pain. Why do I live in pain? I don't know..... Sometimes, I want to be someone else, or okay... Just be me, but an evil person of me. Someone who is heartless. I always give 110% of me to people I love but they don't even notice it. I don't want to be a sorrowful person, but all I've been through just make me as one. I tried to be happy but then something just took it off. Is God preparing something big for me? That I have to suffer like this for years? I want people to understand me. I've been changing and trying to be a better person but everyone stuck in the past. I just want an eternal love everybody has for me. Share it all day and make peace all around. Even though life is hard for me, but then a little love can erase so much pains I have. But then, I haven't found it yet. A kind of love that only one person have. Still hiding behind endless story which haven't been created yet.

Read More

#3

I am now listening to some songs. Really good songs.... After that emotional post, i need something to calm me down...yeah :/ Anyway, you guys must listen to Pixie Lott's "Dancing On My Own" I listened to GDTOP's version. I read the lyrics and they said it was featuring someone else... This is such a good song, and i think it really fits on this situation. hahaha. My friends said, almost every songs i listened, are 'really me' lol. My life is soooooooo complicated. I often think if i am too dramatic. But, there's only one way that i will stop being like this. Die. Yeah die ;/ How can someone expect that life can't be dramatic? Or less dramatic? Started from when you were born, you made people cried in happiness, or laugh and else. Part of drama, yeah? Oh damn you hate me saying this, is drama too. That's why if you want to stop being dramatic, die. >.> lol. School will be started very soon. Oh gosh that heat.... that cold....... that professor........ Just think about them makes me tired already. Plus, i got this big big big and heavy heavy heart. lol what should i do....... It's actually fun writing here.... When no one else reading, or maybe just some people who accidentally click this link read this. But i feel a little bit light spilling out everything. I love talking in twitter, but some dramatic-act-nondramatic people are so noisy if their timeline got clogged up by me so... i better talk here. Even though i will still spamming their timeline....... idec hahaha. AGGGGGGGGGGGGH. Hahahaha i really really wanna scream out loud swearing at everything but no i cant! My friends said i am too stupid, and too kind to people. WHYYYYYYY. I meant.... I don't need to be bad to other people... Like.. there's no advantages for me... But still people are so mean...... tsktsktsk. Gosh this is so random, sorry T^T

Read More

#2

So.... i'm here. I'm feeling emotional right now. I feel so sad, angry, at the same time. Getting tired of ranting out in Twitter because i don't want to spam people's timeline. And i guess i can spill it out here. Have you ever love someone? when you never stop thinking about that person, and even when you sleep you dream about him/her? Well yes i do... Or i did. I am not really sure. I'm feeling so dumb right now. I fell so hard to a person. We were in love. Maybe? Or were you just had fun with me? You are the one that i care so much. I am waiting for you, and i cried almost every night. Hoped that when you come around we'll be in love again, just like we first met. Talking about whatever happened in the past. How we shared our silliness together. How we talked randomly and laugh together. i thought we will be like that. I prayed to God every day just to make you come back. Because i want to talk to you so badly. And yes, You are back, we talked. But everything changed. You're very different. I don't know you anymore. And the most hurting part, you treat me like a stranger. I dont know that love can cause so much pain..... And finally seeing you with someone else. Don't deny it cause it's too obvious. It is really hurting when i saw you with that person and you act like i dont exist. Even when i talk to you. Should i count how much pains that you caused? i guess i will never be able to do that. But, in the other side, remembering you, and your cheerful energy makes me forget how painful everything. I don't meant to be very dramatic. But really... This is how i feel. You've changed me. Then you dumped me. But now, i don't know if i should love you or let you go. I am not a second option to anyone you know? You loved someone else, you love being with that person.. Go ahead. Wishing you the best, maybe? ;) And i'm here wishing myself to forget you. To have someone better than you. To have someone who really wants my heart and my love. Just so you know, there's a lot of guys that i ignore just for you. Maybe i was wrong. Hahahahahahahahahahaha There's a rainbow after rain, right? There's a love after pain. For now, i will try to not think about you, to think about someone else. I lovED you.

Read More