3rd of April, 2013

I can feel my heart get aching every time i breath. There's a lot of voices in my head, shouting about how stupid i am. I can't even contain my tears anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. Lately, i'm not myself. I grow tired every day and everything now seems so dark. My eyes hurt so bad, but for now, i think physical pain is better to feel than what i feel inside. It's somehow hurting me, scratching my skin, pulling my hair, but all of those things are invisible. I can't really see that but i know it's there, hurting me. I punched myself, i bit my skin and those things didn't even hurt me. Not even a bit. I feel more pain inside. I tried to smile and think about good things in mind, but fuck the world i can't even feel that. That's somehow i prefer to sleep at home. Cut off the connections. If only i know what's wrong with me. I really don't know what to do, everything i do is all wrong. Sometimes, i think that i'm better to be disappeared. And people forget me sounds so much better. I really want to feel good. I really want to be happy like everyone feels. I'm tired of crying. I think about accidents, and lot of things. I think about those stressful things and somewhat i hope it's real. Or if can... I want to have another life. People doesn't have to fake their smile in front of me anymore, they can live their life just what they want, and i can live my life the way i want. I had a lot of nightmares lately, and those are really frustrating. Am i depressed? But why? Why am i depressed? If only i know the answer. I know that there are a lot of people more suffered than I, but i also know that not everyone could run the way i do. I'm on the edge of accepting my life the way it is, or just cut it off. I also think that i'll go to hell in the end. Why am i so useless. I know i'm not more than an emotional bitch, and i'm not going to ask people to not judge me for that but screw everything, i don't feel good right now. I don't even know why am i in this place today, and act so sad about everything. But for real i don't act. I just don't know what to do. I can't hide my feeling. I tried to find some help but there won't be any. Because i'm always by myself. No one truly need me, it's all just lie. I'm useless in every bit of my life. People will come to me when they need help only. And that's it. That's my life. And i'm fucking hate it. Close your damn eyes cause i know there won't be a hand and i'm just a freak. I just want to punch myself right on my face. This some kind of goodness should just disappeared in my life. I'm not that good, and i won't be good forever.

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